The Life of an Average /b/tard: The Epic of Supreet

[MC Scrotal Tuck]

The Life of an Average /b/tard: The Epic of Supreet


Supreet's at Tampopo, eating curry
And his hair stretches across the street and throttles them to death as they cross the road
Then some random guy who is eating next to him, can't pay his ten dollar bill
Supreet yells I HOPE YOU GOT TEN BUX
And his hair knocks the guy through the fish tank across the hall
Supreet walks into Kendall Station
He sees an MIT student standing on the edge, debating jumping
Supreet gets annoyed, his hair lashes out and smacks the student into the pit
Student explodes
Supreet nonchalantly explains, "Third rail suicide. Happens all the time."
The other people in the station, fearing the hair's power, nod and agree.
Daniel Grabauskas' booming voice fills the station
Due to a medical emergency, all south and northbound trains on the Red Line will be delayed 15 minutes
Supreet is angered -- he wants to get home to play some WarioWare
So he resurrects the MIT student and kills him again, just out of spite
His hair latches onto the sides of the tunnel
And like a horrible Indian spider, he makes his way down the tunnels toward the next station
Hang on
He comes across a northbound Red Line train
Laughing, Supreet declares "The game is mine, Grabauskas!"
His hair lunges outward, seizing the train and rolling it onto the southbound tracks
As he lumbers past, Supreet makes sure to flip off the trapped and panicking passengers.
"Pull level, recieve train wreck" he chuckles, making sure to kick the emo milling about in the last car
Reaching the outside, he decides his current mode of transportation is too slow.
His power level jumps from 8999 to >9000 instantly!
Digging his hair into the ground like a slingshot, he vaults himself up into the air with a mighty ZOOOOOOOMJ
Flying through the tunnels, he reaches Andrews station, where he takes a moment to smash the skylight, raining garbage and bird feces on the freezing subway goers.
Suddenly, he looks behind him!
A southbound Red Line, going for Assmont!
"Damn you, Grabauskas!" Supreet yells.
Seizing the train by the sides with his incredible hair, Supreet lifts Dan G into the air
With a mighty grunt, he hurls the train through the ari and it cuts through the stale Boston air like a knife
Landing on its side on the Braintree line, the Red Line train slides along, sending up a shower of sparks.
Thinking they know the train schedule, a car full of weeaboos rushing to Tokyo Kid for their fix of Pocky attempts to beat the train
They look to their left, and see the incoming train
One of them shouts a poorly enunciated Japanese curse word as Dan Grabauskas' massive bulk slams into their car, crushing it into dust
Supreet closes his eyes and enjoys the sounds and smells of exploding weeaboos.
Deciding his thirst is great, his hair seizes the roof of the Super88 and throws it aside like cardboard
Supreet seizes their entire stock of aloe and green tea, and a box of chili sauce for good measure
Floating over to the cashier, Supreet digs in the pocket of his black coat and withdraws several chunks of gold ore which he throws onto the cashier before flying away with a ZOOOOOMJ
A elderly Japanese jeweler runs over, and examines the ore.
To his amazement, the weight of the ore is exact change!
In light of Supreet's superior power level, the old man's heart gives out and he collapses on the ground with the words, "There but for the grace of God"
Landing in the backyard of his suburban home, Supreet brushes a bit of dust off his coat and makes his way up the stairs.
Police ask him to stop, and question his rampage at gunpoint.
Supreet calmly explains that, "He did it for the lulz"
The police nod approvingly and holster their firearms.
Supreet makes his way into his apartment and feels a mighty hunger
He grabs a spare Wiimote, coats it in chili sauce and devours it.
With the Wiimote rolling around in his stomach, Supreet manages to complete forty-two simultaneous surgeries in Caduceus Z, while fucking his nurse
When his rank comes back as S, Supreet glances angrily at the Wii, which changes his rank to XS
He then sits down and faps, his mighty semen blowing a hole in the desk roughly the size of a melon.
Joe P definatly spits into Supreet's face.
Supreet withdraws the original manuscript of the Holy Bible from his pocket and wipes his face with it
His hair launchs itself, wrapping around Joe P's head and hurling him through the wall
Supreet throws his black coat off, revealing Saiyan armor
Joe P's beast yells to Joe that Supreet's power level is over 9000
Joe P shits himself, but it's far too late
With a mighty yell, Supreet's hair begins firing Kamehameha at random
The restaurant is reduced to cinders
Removing his designer sunglasses, Supreet fires eye beams that disintegrate Joe P's abused manhood
Throwing Joe P's writhing form to the ground, Supreet withdraws his wallet and tosses a 10 dollar bil to him
Joe P walks over to the nearest DDR machine to rebuild his wounded pride.
In horror, his eyes glance over the high score screen
Someone by the name of "0011" has the maximum possible score for all songs.
Joe P drops to his knees, weeping.
Supreet takes a mighty two-flush mega shit on a nearby DDR machine, and gets a AAA
Walking into a nearby subway station, Supreet hawks a mighty loogy
Firing it down the tunnel, it pierces the glass of an oncoming train
The conductor's head is blown off by the sheer force and the train accelerates.
Supreet withdraws a penny from his pocket and tosses it onto the third rail
The train hits it and derails, sending tons of metal flying into the station.
Supreet looks around sheepishly at the survivors and says, "What? I'm pretty sure it's what Jesus would have done."
Several devout Christians hiss angrily at this remark
Several devout Christians become intimately acquainted with the 600V third rail
A weeaboo comes up beside Supreet and asks, "Aren't you that guy uh... Super Eat?"
Supreet silently shakes with apoplectic rage.
He raises his hand and fires it down the weeaboo's throat, seizing him by the brain stem.
Ripping it out in a single motion, Supreet hurls it across the street.
Feeling a bit peckish, Supreet rifles through his pockets for another Wiimote, to no avail.
Annoyed, he walks across the street to the Mac Store
He seizes a nearby iPod and eats it. Immediately a jazzy number starts playing deep within Supreet's bowels.
The entire room begins to dance.
Suddenly, the song switches to an American heavy metal song.
Disgusted, Supreet regurgitates the iPod and it flies across the room.
Impacting the rear wall it explodes with the force of a small bomb, levelling the store.
A few blocks away, he smells the distinct smell of chlorine.
Flying through the air, he lands on the deck of a hotel pool.
Withdrawing an afro and a suit from his pocket, he spins around in a flash of light and becomes MC Afro.
His hair reaches into the pool and plucks the swimmers out of the water, hurling them through the air.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out Wilford Brimley, a pair of bull stingrays, and a sickly homosexual.
Hurling them into the water, he declares that the pool is now closed due to stingrAIDS and DIABEETUS
A hotel manager runs out and tells Supreet to get lost before she b&s him.
Supreet demands to see tits. The manager refuses. Supreet rips her shirt off, and lets out a bellow of "Manager-chan!"
He delivers a spinning dragon kick to the gut, and her prone form is launched through a wall and into the hotel lobby.
His hair rips concrete blocks out of the ground and constructs a barricade around the pool
His hair then stretches all the way to Mattapan, grabs several black men and drags them to the pool.
He instructs them to guard the pool or their lives are forfeit.
His work complete, Supreet returns home once again.
Sitting in his kitchen, he takes a handful of charcoal with chili sauce and eats them.
He heads into the bathroom, where he pinches out a bag full of 5 carat diamonds.
Cleaning himself with the Patriot Act manuscript, he settles down in the living room for some Wii Bowling.
His phone rings and Supreet answers.
God congratulates Supreet on a job well done and asks him to keep up the good work.
God also explains that a number of plagues have been transferred to Supreet's bank account, for later use.
Hanging up, he swallows both the phone and the wiimote and takes a nap
He wakes up to find that he bowled 17 perfect games and apparently had phone ZEBRA SALAD TOSSING with a number of well-known celebrities.
Supreet sneezes. Reaching into the issue box, he pulls out the MBTA quarter 4 budget statement and blows his nose using it.

[SHOOPDAWHOOP]

In b4 tl;dr.

[the-scatman]

tl-dr

[xBLOODYxEMOxVAMPIRExTEARS]

In after tl;dr

[marekenshin]

in after "tl-dr" :?

[MC Scrotal Tuck]

No shit, but if you read it you may end up loling. I know I did.

[marekenshin]

i actually did read it, and got some lulz.